So about yesterday...

I have to say that yesterday is the lowest I've felt in a long time. DeeJ and I have gone back and forth for 4 years now, trying to decide when is the right time to have children. Originally, we decided we would wait until we were married for 2 years, which was back in 2011. Unfortunately, between starting a new job and ending up in the hospital as a result of ovarian and tubal torsion and Endometriosis that year, our plans were put on hold.

Fast forward to this year and we're doing all that we can to increase our chances; charting, good timing, etc., so when I was officially "late" this month, I was super excited. I imagined how I would surprise DeeJ with the announcement, how we would announce our pregnancy to family and friends, and so on and so forth. Seeing a negative on the HPT, then getting my period later in the day put me in a bad mood. I had a really good ugly cry and was so upset, I didn't even want wine or chocolate, my usual go to for the first day of my cycle.

Today is a new day and I have new feelings. I'm still sad, but I also feel a little numb and I have a little bit of fear. We are on month 8 and while I keep telling myself, "It can take a year. You still have 4 months to go before you can worry.", I never considered how my psyche would handle it actually taking up to a year. We have an appointment with a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) on Friday, the 15th, which I know is sooner than a year, but with my Endometriosis I've been told by my GYN to see a specialist sooner. I have no idea what to expect and that's where the fear comes from. So far all of my blood work has come back normal, tubes are clear according to my HSG, and while we are still waiting for DeeJ to get his SA done, we expect that to be normal as well.

This other feeling I have? I feel inadequate. I can't explain it, but I feel like my body has been a let down. I'll get over those feelings, but I want nothing more than to be have to children with DeeJ. All of the things we've done to prepare for this life event feels wasted as of right now and it makes me very sad.