Low self-esteem, Party of 1.

I’ve been struggling to write on this blog. Not because I don’t have much to say, but because I’ve had a lot going on in my mind. As a matter of fact, I’ve started this post a couple of times, then stopped, and then started up again. I think it’s time that I put it all out there so here we go… The last thing I want is to come off as a whiny bitch, so forgive me in advance.

For years I struggled with low self-esteem, both physically and mentally. Growing up, I never thought of myself as the smart one or the pretty one; I was always just average. It is part of the reason I went to school for Computer Science and got into Information Technology. I love my job, but I also thought it would prove something. Now, I’m 33 years old and I think it is safe to say that it has only been a couple of years of my being fully comfortable in my own skin. I honestly thought I was in a good head space where it didn’t matter what others thought of me; as long as I was happy with myself, I’m good to go. But the past 6-7 weeks at work have been pretty rough.

When I got pregnant, I don’t think any amount of reading could have prepared me for feeling as much like crap as I have. Outside of morning sickness and hyperemesis and lack of energy, I felt somewhat ok with myself.  I thought everyone would see what I saw in myself. I was happy and pregnant. That didn’t happen. For the past 6-7 weeks, I’ve been getting comments about the bags and wrinkles under my eyes, how pale and dull looking my skin looks, or how terrible I’ve looked on a daily basis. I certainly don’t practice the “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all…” mantra, but geez; I didn’t think my own co-workers would actually say these kinds of things.  I started to feel isolated and kind of broken. I haven’t spoken to anyone about my feelings until last week. I was getting a haircut and talking to my hairdresser. And even though my hairdresser isn’t a therapist, she was my therapist for that appointment. I sat in her chair while she cutting away and she asked how I’ve been feeling. I told her that I’m starting to feel better but I’m kind of down. Of course she asked why and I started telling her everything that has been said to me. She immediately stopped what she was doing, stared at me and said, “You are absolutely beautiful.” And for the first time in weeks, I stared at myself in the mirror. And for that moment, I felt beautiful. And I cried. A lot. I’m pretty sure I cried every time I looked in the mirror for about a week. After sitting with these feelings for all of these weeks and reflecting on it, I’m mad at myself. I’m mad that I let it get to me. I almost didn’t recognize myself anymore and that is no exaggeration. I worked really hard after all the years of being down on myself to feel better about myself and it only took a month and half for people that aren’t even my friends to bring me right back where I was in my 20’s.

So here this post is my effort to start over and to promise myself to try and never feel that way again. There are going to be plenty of people in my life that will not have the best things to say to me and I have to accept that.