Life lessons

I'm determined to make this the last not so great happenings post, but I have to get this off of my mind. Sorry if it's tl;dr.

So things for the most part at work have died down. There aren't many off base and inappropriate comments; it's kind of the opposite. As news spreads across the company of my pregnancy, I've been flooded with calls, emails, and such wishing me well and offering congrats. Except... I have someone in my office, W, who isn't too pleased with me. I genuinely do not know why.

Before my pregnancy, we were very friendly. I went to her wedding last year and pretty much spoke to her everyday. Shortly after she got married, she told me that she wanted to TTC. That's great! Especially since I was also at the time. I had someone who I could connect with in person, vent to after another failed cycle, etc. Sure, at the point when she started trying, I was already at the year mark, but it was still exciting for me. I shared with her my issues with IF, meeting with a RE, multiple surgeries, and exploring IVF, all while explaining charting, temping, and good timing to help her make the most of each cycle. So when I became pregnant after my surgery, I was thrilled to tell her. And I thought she'd be thrilled for me. That's about where it ends.

Around my birthday in April, I was just shy of 10 weeks. She and another friend, K, came to me and wanted to take me out for brunch for my birthday. I told them that wasn't a good idea. At that time, I was exhausted and very sick. I would sleep through weekends just to be able to work during the week and had my morning sickness and aversions were so severe (thanks hyperemesis!), that I stopped eating out. I couldn't be around food, even at work, so I would sit in our IT closet during the lunch hour. After explaining that to them, K said we could postpone until I'm better. W said, well you pick the restaurant and walked away. So on my birthday, I got a text from K, asking if we were still going out. I wrote her back, apologizing, but said no. I was in awful shape from the day before and barely had the energy to get out of bed. K wrote back, said no problem, we can postpone and wished me a happy birthday. I never heard from W until Monday. I got to work and got a message from her, "Umm, happy birthday yesterday?" The initial tone of the message threw me off, but I didn't feel like guessing and just wrote back "Thanks" and went about my day. And we hadn't spoken since. Maybe that was my mistake because now I have a whole different monster to deal with.

It turns out that W has been talking shit about me for a majority of my pregnancy. I heard things but just confirmed it recently. To sum it up, I was mean to her via text, I'm a bitch and an asshole, I'm not really sick because I look just fine at work, I'm going to be a terrible Mother and I only got pregnant for attention. Wow. Just. Wow. So W is upset because of something I said and not because of my birthday? Now, of course I'm trying to rationalize all this. I think I spent a solid 3 days looking at my own messenger logs to see what I said to deserve the horrible things said about me since every person who has told me about the gossip doesn't seem to know what I said to her. I feel like I'm missing something. Of course I can't find anything mean, insensitive, or heartbreaking as she describes it, but there sure is a lot of things being said about me by her that fits that description. W has also decided to throw K in the middle of all of this. She tried to talk shit about me to K and K refuses to join in. So now, she's talking shit about K for "being on my side". Unfortunately for me, K doesn't know what I could've said to W to set her off like this. And I'm not sure what to do at this point. I'm not even sure what to say because a part of me feels like confronting her would be a waste of time. But the other part of me really wants to lay into her. For now, I'm quiet. I figured if I don't say anything, W would eventually focus elsewhere. Nope. I was wrong about that too. And I get the feeling it's going to get worse before it gets better.

So what have I learned from this? A lot quite frankly. I learned that not everyone is upfront as me. That's probably a " Duh" for some people, but not for me. I am one of those people that will say to your face whatever I have said outside of your presence. Next, not everyone has your best interest at heart and not everyone is your friend. That is a tough one for me. My Mother has been saying that to me for years and I think I finally understand that just because people are nice to you doesn't mean it's genuine.

But, with all of that said, I'm surprisingly ok. I mean, it still hurts to hear these things being said, but I think my self esteem has improved because I don't feel down on myself over anything that has been said. I know that I'm going to be a fantastic mother. I know I'm not a bitch (at least not by default), and I know why I'm pregnant. It's not for anyone else but DeeJ and I and it's been a part of our plan for years. And that's all that matters to me.