Things don't always go according to plan. The daycare saga continues.

We thought we had this all figured out before H was born. We started looking at daycare centers, both home and facilities when I was about 20ish weeks pregnant. There are quite a few to choose from in our area; and I'm pretty positive we looked at them all. Kidding... We looked at 7 or 8.

Every center had its pros and cons. DeeJ is what I'd like to call the "Spreadsheet King". He makes spreadsheets for most of our big decisions and purchases. It has become a refined skill for him since I became pregnant with H. He created a spreadsheet for our second car options, for contractors to insulate the house, contractors to install central air... You get the point. So creating a spreadsheet for daycare centers was a no brainer. He listed every place we visited, how far it was from the house and my job, the rates, and anything else we could think of. Even with all of the information gathering, outside of cost, it didn't really help us eliminate or ultimately decide which daycare we wanted H to attend. So we went with what felt right. And what felt right was one of the last daycare centers we visited. It was a home daycare about 10 minutes from the house and 5 minutes from my job. The neighborhood was very quiet and the children were so happy. One of them even came crawling over to me, smiling from ear to ear. The space itself was nice as well. Nothing fancy, just spacious and felt very comforting and family oriented. There was also an outdoor space that was grassy and just beautiful. When DeeJ and I left the center, we both looked at each other and smiled. It felt good. I believe we called them the next day and registered for their last spot. I was approximately 30 weeks pregnant and super excited that we found the perfect place for H! Or so we thought.

H's first day at daycare was last week. I had her start 2 weeks early so that it would be an easier transition for us (more for me than for her of course!), before I go back to work on the 9th. Her first week would consist of half days and the second week would be full days. Sounds like a great plan to me! On her first day, it was tough. DeeJ and I brought her into the center and let her look around. We also brought in her supplies; diapers, wipes, blankets, etc. I took her out of her car seat and held her while speaking with the daycare provider. Once we were done, I handed her over and she started frowning immediately. What on earth is this? I've seen her frown before, but not when someone is holding her. Frown, then pout. Frown, then pout again. Ok, let's try this again. DeeJ takes her back and she stops frowning and pouting. She got a little fussy, but nothing to be concerned about. She is a fussy high needs baby after all. Then, DeeJ hands her to me and she's calm. I hold her for a few minutes more then give her back to the provider and... Instant pouting again! Sigh... At this point, we decide to leave and let her pout. But watch the provider walk away and H keeps turning around to look at us and pout some more was awful. I started crying. DeeJ started crying. The car ride home was completely silent. I just wanted my baby back and it was the longest 4 hours ever. When we got home, I had to occupy myself so I installed a new sink faucet. But every chance I got, I was staring at the clock. And when it was finally noon, I was oh so eager to head back and get her. When we arrived, all was well. She was asleep in her car seat. Great! We got her home, she woke up and the day went on. There was a really bad snowstorm passing through that night into the morning so daycare was closed on Tuesday. Wednesday, they were on a modified schedule so we skipped it. Thursday was H's 3 month appointment that included shots so we stayed home with her and her next daycare visit was Friday.

Let's talk about Friday. Friday was worse than Monday. And not for me, but for her. Then as a result for me. When we arrived, she started crying immediately. No hand off to the provider, just crying and screaming. The provider did take her, but was unable to get her to stop crying. So we took her back and asked if there was somewhere quiet we could go and maybe help calm her. We were taken to a room where I rocked her in a rocking chair for about 10 minutes. She calmed down and we took her back out to the main area to give her back to the provider. She started screaming again. Oh boy... This time, DeeJ took her back and we decided to rock her to sleep. We eventually got her to sleep and we left. On the way home, I felt unsettled and I think DeeJ did a little too. Did we expect more pouting and frowning? Yes. Crying? Maybe. But screaming? Nope. I expected her adjustment to take some time but I didn't expect her reaction to get worse the second time around. I had all sorts of thoughts running through my head. Did I do something wrong the first time? Did she feel abandoned by us walking out the first time while she was looking back for us? Was she sensing my sadness about putting her in daycare even though I didn't want to? I wasn't sure what to do, but I instantly regretted leaving her there. I felt sad knowing that we were there rocking her to sleep and when she woke up, we wouldn't be there. But before you know it, her day there was over and we went to pick her up. She had just awoken from her nap and was in her car seat. We put her in the car and we went home. This time, compared to the last time, she fell asleep while in the car on the way home. She woke up about an hour later and she was super quiet. To explain, H is pretty talkative. She loves to coo, ooh, and aah like she's having a conversation with you. During diaper changes, nursing, or just sitting in the lounger or swing. This time, she was quiet for over an hour. It was strange. I thought it was my imagination. Maybe I was over analyzing things considering what happened this morning, then DeeJ mentioned it too. We spent a good portion of the afternoon trying to figure out what was wrong. How is it this place that we love, this place where the children are all smiling and having a good time, she doesn't like? What doesn't she like about it? Is it the environment? Is it too busy? Is it that she's not ready for daycare? Neither of us could make sense of it. We decided to call another daycare. DeeJ spoke to the director and explained what happened and our thoughts. She agreed to let us come in on Monday for a trial. Wonderful!

On Monday, there was another snow storm, but thankfully, the daycare was still open. We bundled H up and headed over. This center is about 10 minutes from the house, but a little further north in respect to my job so it would take me 20 minutes to get there. On the way there, I was nervous. What if she freaks out like she did at the other daycare center? While it would confirm that she just doesn't like new environments, it was hard for me to simplify it to that. We've taken her to plenty of places, busy and quiet, and she is generally good. As a matter of fact, she seems to like stimulation. Lights and people seem to fascinate her. Once again, my thoughts went everywhere. So when we got there, I expected the worst. But that didn't happen. We took her out of the car seat while greeting the Director and H smiled. Like open mouth smile. The Director started talking to H and H got excited. It was amazing! Then we went into the infant classroom. Because of the snowstorm, there were only 2 other infants instead of 6 so testing whether or not it was an over stimulation issue but we decided to stay and see what happens anyway. We stayed for over 2 hours and it was a success. She didn't frown, pout, or cry when we handed her over to the 2 teachers, not even when we left the room. Again, it was amazing! DeeJ and I were relieved, but we still wanted to try the other daycare center again.

The next day, I drove H to the original daycare center. When we got there, I took my coat and shoes off, leaving them at the entrance. While doing that, I started talking to her, letting her know that I was going to stay with her until she was comfortable. I picked her up out of her car seat, leaving that at the entrance as well, and off we went. I greeted the daycare provider and I let her know that I was going to stay for a bit so that we don't have a repeat of Friday. She turned to me and said, "It's ok for today, but normally I would say no." Um, what? While this exchange is going, I handed her H at the same time. As soon as the provider made that statement, H started frowning. I kid you not. Then the provider started rocking her and tried to give her a pacifier. H spit it out and started frowning. I really wanted to, but I didn't ask to hold H. Instead, I watched the provider walk around with H in her arms and H frowning the entire time. Holy smokes... Is it the provider she doesn't like? That was my first thought, which was confirmed because then a different person took H from this provider and H stopped frowning. I sent DeeJ a text message letting him know what was going on. I was bothered that there was a strong possibility that H disliked this specific person, but I was especially bothered that I was told an exception was being made for me to stay when they have an open door policy in place. Honestly, I was convinced that H didn't belong there and it wasn't a good fit for her. When H was taken to the back room, she started crying and I ended up having to go back there to calm and console her. I spoke to her again, telling her that it will be ok and that I would be back around 12:30. She smiled at me and I left. About an hour before pickup, DeeJ got a text message from the daycare saying H was doing really well. We both felt bad again. How is it that she seems to dislike the place while we're there, but loves it when we leave? When I arrived to pick her up, the provider explained that as soon as I left, she went to sleep and slept for 3 hours straight. Wut? Sleeping that long during the day hasn't happened since she was a newborn. And, after she woke up from her 3 hour nap, she ate and went back to sleep. So, that explains why she did really well today. She basically slept through the entire day. She was asleep in the car seat the entire way home and for another 90 minutes after we got home. This is so not like H. You know what else is not like H? Since she was asleep, I left her in the car seat. She woke up frowning. DeeJ took her out of the car seat immediately and once she woke up and he took off her coat and outer garments, she started smiling again and talking. It was a really strange day, but we had enough. We called the old daycare provider and let them know that H wouldn't be coming back. Then we called the new provider and asked to register.

I felt relieved. H wouldn't have to go back. But I was sad at the same time. This sweet home daycare center seemed like such the perfect place, but now is vilified in my mind because of H's reaction. I felt bad because they had been holding a spot for us since August and I'm sure had other parents interested that they turned away. A part of me wondered if I should give it more time and part of me wondered why I didn't pull her out sooner. I feared that we would register her for this new place and all seems well now, but when I take her for her first day on Monday, she would freak out and we'd be right back where we started. Then, DeeJ had a fantastic idea. Before we register, let's take her to the center again. Let her meet some more people and other children since it's not snowing outside. Great! So we all head over and what do you know, she loved it! She met even more people and she smiled and squealed. She stared at everyone with delight in her eyes. And this time, there were 6 other infants in her classroom and we all sat on the floor together while she got to look around and take it all in. And she seemed happy. And that made me very happy. It was at that moment, I knew we made the right decision. I was reminded that I need to be an advocate for her and quite frankly, her needs and feelings come before anyone else's.