Fix My Life

Last week DeeJ called me at work and sent me a link. I opened the link and it took me to a preview of a future episode of Iyanla Vanzant's Fix My Life. I've never watched the show before, but the episode preview was of 3 men, ages 33, 37, and 43, who wanted to fix their relationship with their Dad. The reason why DeeJ sent me the link was because the "Dad" featured in this episode was a former co-worker of ours. We've known him for almost 10 years and had no clue that he even had kids! I mean, we suspected that all of the stories about his life that he told us were false and exaggerated, but WOW. Needless to say that we HAD to watch the episode last night. I didn't think it would bother me, but I really felt angry afterwards.

A little back story about myself...

My parents divorced when I was really young; I believe I was about 2 or 3 years old and the divorce process was really messy. My father was a habitual adulterer, my Mom had finally had enough, and I applaud her for being strong enough to leave. While my Mom re-married and I had a step-Dad for most of my childhood, my biological father was MIA. There were so many times that he would call and say he was coming to pick me up, then not show up. Or not call me of my birthday, or holidays. Every year my Mom would tell me that he loved me, but I never heard it from him. And watching that show yesterday really drudged up a lot of old feelings of resentment and anger that I have towards him. All I kept thinking was how I wouldn't want anyone to experience life with an absentee parent and these guys are so fortunate to even have the opportunity to confront their Dad. And for a moment, I wonder what it would be like if I had that chance. My father passed away 10 years ago and I have so many regrets of not telling him how I felt. I wonder how would he have responded? Would he have said he was sorry? Would he have even understood my point of view? I know that my father had been called out many times about abandoning me, but by others, not by me. I also watched these guys on television express how many issues they have as a result of their father being so inconsistent that I can't help but wonder what kind of issues I have because my father wasn't there. I think in spite of everything I went through growing up, I turned out ok and I'm so thankful for that. And all I hope is that whatever issues I have, I don't pass those issues on to my future child of children.