Am I over thinking things?

That question goes through my head a lot. And not just in regards to having children, but EVERYTHING. See, I'm really good at reading between the lines and into things, but sometimes I have a habit of analyzing and picking apart things that don't need to be. But today, I'm over thinking my body.

I mentioned in a previous post that this cycle was our last natural cycle. I went into it halfheartedly; I didn't have the optimism or the energy for this cycle. I didn't even chart for more than half of it, but we got lucky and still managed to have good timing. So imagine my surprise when my period came yesterday, a full 4 days early, which means I had an 8 day luteal phase! I've had my share of disappointments throughout but last night was pretty awful. I just wanted to sleep. This cycle reminded me of my first cycle. I wasn't charting then, but considering my typical post ovulation signs, I'm pretty sure I only had a 7 day luteal phase. I really wish I were charting back then for confirmation. Nevertheless, I'm on to cycle 10. Cycle 10 means I start taking birth control until my surgery on the 16th. It means more vials of blood to be drawn, more doctor appointments and being poked and prodded with an ultrasounds and God knows what else. The more I think about it, the more I don't want to be bothered anymore.

We'll do whatever we can to have a baby; but I can't understand what is wrong with my body. It frustrates the crap out of me that on paper, my numbers like my FSH, AMH, E2 and P4 are good, DeeJ's numbers are good, my tubes are clear, our timing is good, but I've got Endometriosis. They are getting larger and I feel no pain or any of the usual symptoms that come with Endometriosis, which considering its severity, fascinates every doctor that sees my ultrasound and blood work. Yes, pain isn't indicative of how severe the Endometriosis is, but having 6cm cysts all over the place and no pain? And light periods? If you didn't see it on the ultrasound it would be hard to believe I have Endometriosis at all. But now that I know that it's back, every twinge or cramp I feel makes me nervous that it's getting worse. Oh, and of course, as far as doctors are concerned, the likelihood of us getting pregnant on our own is very low. I feel like my body is playing a really cruel joke on me.

And I can't help it, but I sometimes wonder if everything we're doing is going to work and the idea of it not working frightens me. I have surgery next week, we plan for an IUI and say it doesn't work. Move on to the next IUI and so on and so forth until IVF. What if IUI and IVF doesn't work? Where will that leave us? Do I mentally prepare myself now for that possibility or should I try harder to have a positive and optimistic approach?