Me and my Endometriosis

For the past 3 and a half years, Endometriosis to an extent has consumed my life. I will never forget waking up on Monday, August 8, 2011 in the middle of the night with cramps and next thing you know, I fell over from the toilet to the floor balled up in pain. I remember how much energy it took for me to call out to DeeJ because I couldn't move and how he had to practically carry me to the car to get me to the emergency room. Every pothole and speed bump in the road was unbearable. At the end of my 16 hour ER visit and 2 day hospital stay, 2 ultrasounds, a CT Scan, and a MRI, I was told about my likely severe Endometriosis. My bilateral endometriomas, one on each ovary were so large and inflamed, one measuring 8cm in circumference and the other 10cm, they were causing ovarian and fallopian torsion. I would need surgery to confirm the Endometriosis and resolve and would probably lose a Fallopian tube and ovary. Thankfully, during my hospital stay, the inflammation went down and surgery was temporarily delayed.

After my discharge, I went to see my gyn, Dr. F. and she also recommended surgery, but I was hesitant. The thought of having a tube and ovary removed scared me. DeeJ and I had just started trying to conceive earlier in the year after 2 years of marriage. I chucked my birth control in January and made a strong effort to find a really good permanent job (I was a temp contractor for several years prior), and had just started this new job on August 1st. We bought a house in the suburbs in a really good school district and everything was falling into place. So the possibility of having trouble trying to conceive was devastating. But I still wasn't ready for surgery. Instead, I went back on birth control to see if there was a chance that my endometriomas would shrink while going in for monthly ultrasounds. I remember going into for an ultrasound in November, which by that time was my third ultrasound and the tech asked me, "Do you have both ovaries?" Talk about the wrong thing to say. Now I'm sitting there thinking that my Endometriosis has progressed so badly that one of my ovaries are gone. Great. But it was that ultrasound where Dr. F. urged me to have laparoscopic surgery. I did have my first surgery on December 30, 2011. A few days later, I had a follow-up with Dr. F. I remember her first words were, "You need to start family planning now. You don't have much time." Whoa. She further explained that while she was able to remove the adhesions and avoid compromising my ovaries, she said my Endometriosis was very aggressive and severe. Given that plus my age (I was 30), her recommendation was to move quickly because my chances naturally were really low. After 2 and a half years, more surgical procedures and exploring IVF, H was born in October 2014 and I couldn't be happier.

So why this long ass post? Well, throughout my pregnancy, I've been told repeatedly that pregnancy is great for Endometriosis. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I assume pregnancy suppresses it since you don't ovulate and go through a cycle. Which is great, but I'm not pregnant anymore. And every twinge and cramp I feel, I get so so nervous. We would love to have a second child in the future and I worry that Endometriosis is running rampant in my postpartum phase. I would go on hormonal birth control, but it might cause an issue with my breast milk supply and I don't want that. I really want to try and breastfeed for at least a year. Dr. B., my OBGYN, has scheduled me for an ultrasound in a month to see how things are going and I'm worried. Am I risking my chances to conceive again as a result? I'm no longer confident in my decision to breastfeed for a year. Should I change my goal to six months? Three months? It's constantly on my mind and I can't shake it. Damn Endometriosis. I didn't think this far ahead when I was first diagnosed and I wish I had.

H's first day at daycare

We dropped H off about an hour ago for her first day in daycare. It's only for 4 hours, but man, did it hurt. Badly. We met up with the director and went over the paperwork as well as inventoried all of H's clothes and supplies. Once we were done, I handed her over and she started frowning! WHY?!?! DeeJ took her back for a few minutes to say goodbye and she was fine. He handed her back and she started frowning again. She even watched us as we were heading towards the door, frowning and pouting. I can't even stop myself from crying at this point. I feel hurt and devastated. I miss my baby.

12 weeks!

Wow! I can't believe H is 12 weeks old already. At her 2 month appointment, she gained almost 4 pounds and grew 4 inches since birth. We have her 3 month appointment next week and I'm excited to see how much more she's grown. I have a pretty good idea because she's breastfeeding well and definitely gives us plenty of diapers to change. Plus, we've retired her newborn clothes and she's fitting her 3 month clothes nicely, but I'm all about the numbers.

As she gets bigger and older before our eyes, another emotion is starting to set in. In 3 weeks, my maternity leave ends, I go back to work and H goes into daycare. If you had asked me many, many months ago when I was 20ish weeks pregnant and we were daycare shopping, if I was going to be this sad about it, I would have told you no. But it's really bothering me. I'm going to miss spending all day with her and I can't believe I'm saying this, I'm going to miss holding her all the time. I'm also going to miss nursing her exclusively. Someone else besides DeeJ and I will be feeding and changing her, rocking and holding her until she falls asleep. And it feels strange. I know plenty of parents put their children in daycare, and I personally am grateful that I had the ability to take off nearly 4 months before having to do the same, but I wish I could stay with her at home a little longer. Or a lot longer. I'm sure a few weeks or months from now, I will look back and realize I'm fretting over nothing, but for now, I'm not happy.

*Debbie Downer moment over*

In 12 weeks, I've watched H mature so much and it makes me feel proud. I feel I'm doing something right. She smiles, she gets excited when she sees Elmo and I'm starting to see her personality more and more each day. She still requires sleeping on either one of us in order to take a decent nap. We also have approximately 1-3 minutes, sometimes less, to pick her up if we put her down. She gets bored easily, requires constant entertainment but also overstimulates quickly. Being around new or unfamiliar faces means little to no nap time and there is rarely such a thing as cuddle or snuggle time. Her bassinet, crib, and PnP don't get much use; we're still co-sleeping. Except now I love co-sleeping with her. It's the best part of my day... Watching her sleep. She's still our high needs little baby, but if keeping me on my toes daily is what it takes and it makes her my happy baby, then so be it.

8 weeks!

H Beans (her new nickname!) is 8 weeks old! She's growing so fast! We love her so much, but we are having some challenges.

Ever since we brought H Beans home, we've noticed that if she's not eating, sleeping, or being rocked/walked, she has crying fits. That coupled with not being able to put her down, EVER, has made me feel overwhelmed at times. DeeJ is back at work so she's with me pretty much all the time during the day. My head hurts, my arms hurt, and I can't get much of anything done around the house or elsewhere. And when I say she can't be put down, I mean it. No crib, bassinet, swing, Boppy... Nothing. I can't even put her in the car seat to go out without hearing the most highest pitch scream I've ever heard in my life. I've already had at least 2 occasions where I'm pushing the stroller with 1 arm while balancing her in the other to avoid a full on meltdown. This is really hard.

And I want to go back to the crying fits for a minute. She cries when she's done nursing, even though she's gaining weight nicely and has more than enough wet and dirty diapers so I know she's getting enough to eat. She cries coming out of sleep as well. If you're walking her around, rocking to get her to sleep and you stop, she cries. And most recently, if you walk into a dark room while rocking her, she cries. She cries, cries and cries. And I feel horrible because she seems miserable. How can I make her happy if I can't keep her from crying? It's not colic because it's not crying for 3 hours straight it's NOT inconsolable but at the same time, she never seems happy. And I feel like a failure. What am I doing wrong? What can I do to make her happy? I have to admit at times, I feel like I'm not cut out for this. Then, I came across an article about fussy babies. Like a lot of stuff that I'm learning through the trials and error of motherhood, I learned something new. I had no idea about what are called high need babies. As I read the article, I could feel the weight being lifted from my shoulders. It fit my encounters with H Beans to a tee. She's moody, dissatisfied, and requires more stimulation, more attention and just more of everything. She gets bored in her swing, cuddling, or lounging on her Boppy. She also requires being held 24/7, even while sleeping. You can spend 30+ minutes rocking her sleep to the point where she snores but if you put her down, she's up, making you feel like you've just wasted 30+ minutes walking around. She also gets bored easily by way of the constant yawning. If I do Tummy Time on the Boppy, I had better not do it again that day. Otherwise, the crying fit ensues. And when she cries, it sounds as if she's being hurt and it breaks my heart.

She's the exact opposite of my lazy, homebody self. She keeps me on my toes and it terrifies me. But as I sit here with H Beans nestled in my arms fast asleep, I forget about how overwhelmed she makes me feel. She's still perfect and I love her forever.

6 weeks in... And blogging is hard.

Little H is 6 weeks old as of yesterday. Time really does go by so quickly! Except when you're pregnant. The first and third trimesters feel like an eternity.

Taking care of a newborn is definitely a challenge and even that is an understatement. Our first night home was horrible. Little H was 3 days old and my milk started coming in. The engorgement felt horrible. My first attempt at using a breast pump was an utter failure. It hurt so badly and it just felt weird. And for some reason, I didn't think to purchase breast pads for the leakage. Then, we tried to put Little H to bed. We put her in her cute little newborn onesie, then wrapped her in the awesome fleece sleep sack the hospital gave us, rocked her to sleep, and put her in her bassinet perfectly placed next to my side of the bed. But she didn't stay asleep. Somehow between the stay at the hospital and home, she no longer slept for hours at a time at night. Also, through trial and error, we would come to find out that she loathes swaddles, sleep sacks, or anything that restricts her arms. The solution? Just leave her arms out! Except she has a pretty intense startle reflex, so within minutes of putting down this beautiful sleeping baby, she's awake. I can't even begin to share how many different things we've tried, but as of now, she will not sleep on her own. To save our sanity, we became co-sleepers. I have to admit that I have a healthy nervousness about it every night, but Little H really seems to love it. At 6 weeks old, she sleeps 4-5 hours straight and she loves either sleeping on DeeJ's chest or snuggled next to me.

We're also 6 weeks into breastfeeding. The L&D nurse who delivered Little H gave me a quick tutorial right after she was born and several other nurses commented that I looked like a pro. I didn't actually see a Lactation Consultant until an hour before I was discharged and when we left the hospital, I was pretty confident. Within a week, not so much. I think my nerves got the best of me on top of just being new to it. I struggled with whether or not she was getting enough milk. It didn't help that she lost 7 ounces between her birth date and our date of discharge. I didn't know that weight loss was common so I was scrutinizing every diaper change and count like it was my sole purpose in life. I became a pro at reading hunger cues. Something else I didn't know, crying is a late hunger cue. I analyzed every lip smack, head butt, and sucking motion. Then, about a week into exclusively breastfeeding, Little H and I had latching issues. I couldn't help her latch, she would become frustrated and start punching me. I would end up having to pump and give her a bottle, which made me nervous about causing nipple confusion. I felt rejected. I really thought she no longer wanted my breast and it made me very sad. I even purchased nipple shields and we had some success with that, but it wasn't consistent. At the urging of DeeJ, I called the hospital's Lactation Consultant for advice. After speaking with her, she referred me to a private specialist who could see me one on one for a fee. I was a little bummed and at fault. It made me seriously regret that I didn't meet with the consultant more than once while I was in the hospital. But no matter, I was in whatever it takes mode. While wrapping up the conversation with the consultant, she recommended holding my nipple to form a smaller shape. Maybe Little H can't latch because of that? She compared it to trying to hold a blown up balloon with your mouth. A light bulb went off in my head. Why in the hell didn't I think of that? So at our next session, I tried that and it worked! I was so relieved and thankful. And here we are 5 weeks later and our sessions are generally pretty good. She still gets frustrated very easily and punches, but it's not very often.

All of our pediatrician appointments have gone well. Little H went from 5 pounds and 15 ounces at hospital discharge and 3 days old to 6 pounds and 12 ounces at 10 days old! Then she had another weigh in at 1 month old and was 8 pounds and 3 ounces which is amazing! She also grew from 19 inches to 21 inches within a month. We did have an issue with her newborn screening that required a retest, but we've been told that the abnormality in her first set of results were likely due to a false positive.

Anyhoo, I'm happy to report that all is well!  Being sleep deprived has just become a way of life in our home, but gosh, Little H is so awesome. She's beautiful, smart, and all that I could ever ask for. Here is us baby wearing a week and a half ago:

Fast and Furious... Baby Girl TeeJ's birth story

On Monday, October 27th, Baby girl TeeJ, aka H, made her grand entrance! DeeJ and I are so excited that she's finally here! Forgive me in advance for the TL;DR. It was a short delivery, but long feeling experience.

I woke up around 4:30am with a sharp pain in my lower back that wrapped around to my stomach. I got up and went to the bathroom and just sat there. After a minute or so, the pain went away and I went back to bed. When I laid down, DeeJ was awake. He looked at me and smiled and we held hands. We started talking about how happy I was to be working from home this week. About 15 minutes later, that same pain came back. I ran to the bathroom saying, "I think I'm having a contraction. And I have to poop." I opted to stay in the bathroom and started my contraction timing app. Since it was 15 minutes between the first and last one, I figured it would carry on for awhile and eventually go away. After all, most first time mothers go past their due date. But then the contractions came back. Every 6-7 minutes, I was nearly on the floor writhing in pain. About 30 minutes of that, I started vomiting. I yelled as loud as I could so DeeJ hear me, asking him to call Dr. B. He called, got their answering service, and we got a call back from the midwife about 10-15 minutes later. DeeJ passed me the phone and at some point during the call, another contraction hit. I dropped the phone and started breathing heavily. After it was over, the midwife said I sound like I'm doing ok. WHAT?!?! She said that I should wait a little longer because it's not 5 minutes apart and she didn't want me to go to Labor and Delivery just to be sent home. Yeah, ok. After I hung up, I asked DeeJ to take me to the hospital. While he ran around to collect our bags, I got dressed. I have to say, it's very difficult to get dressed, especially during a contraction. Getting dressed would have taken less than a minute pre-pregnancy, and maybe 10 minutes while pregnant, but took almost 30 minutes because I couldn't function while contracting. So it took an hour to get ready and head towards the hospital. We got to the hospital around 6:45am. Out of all of the times I've walked from the hospital entrance to Labor and Delivery on the 6th floor, this walk felt the longest. The wait for the elevator felt like an eternity. But eventually, we made it. I was taken to the triage room for monitoring. 

The room has 3 beds, all separated by curtains and were occupied by other Moms to be. I took the last available bed and just waited. While waiting, I overheard a labor and delivery nurse speaking to one of the other Moms. After monitoring her for over 2 hours, they were sending her home. Her contractions were too erratic and inconsistent. When the nurse left, the woman just cried. I felt so bad for her, but also worried for myself. Nothing worth panicking over, but I did not want to be sent home. I was getting up every couple of minutes at this point because every time a contraction came, I felt like I had to poop and throw up so I would run to the bathroom. It was quite a challenge because the nurses had to keep disconnecting the monitors so I could sit in the bathroom. During one of my runs to the bathroom, the nurse looked at the bed and there was a bunch of fluid on the sheets. She asked DeeJ, "Did she go to the bathroom in the bed?" DeeJ shrugged. I mean, how would he know? As asked me while I was in the bathroom and all I could say was, "I think so." before throwing up some more. So the nurse took the sheet to be tested and I made my way back to the bed. That's when things got interesting. Shortly after I got back into the bed, the nurse confirmed that my water broke. My contractions were suddenly much more intense and frequent, but there was a small complication. The only way I could manage the pain of the contractions was to sit upright, but doing so made my H's heart rate drop. The solution? The nurses and DeeJ had to hold me down while laying on my side just so that they could monitor things for a few minutes. At that point, I have to say I was in the most pain of my life. Next, the nurse did a cervix check. She said after the check, "Wow. You're 5cm dilated and 100% effaced. It's go time!" I said, "Great! What's next?" She then asked if I want an epidural. Before she could finish the sentence, I said, "I want all of the drugs. Give me the drugs." She chuckled and placed the order. But then she said, "Ok, we're going to put you in Delivery Room 3 and you'll get your epidural." What I didn't know was that I had to WALK to the delivery room. I recall saying, "Can't you just wheel me over in the bed?" But that didn't matter because the next thing you know, I was practically running to the room, so much so that one of the nurses was running behind me to cover up my butt.

As soon as I got to the room, I laid back and waited for my epidural. The anesthesiologist arrived a short time later and gave me the run down of how the epidural would be administered. I sat up quickly, signed the paperwork and suddenly I felt numb. At our hospital, they don't allow visitors in the room so DeeJ had to step out. Once the epidural was done, DeeJ came back into the room and I remember saying, "This feels amazing..." over and over. The nurse adjusted me to do another cervix check and she says to the other nurses and DeeJ, "The head is right there. I can see it." That might explain why I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. Then she tells me to push. Which I swear I heard her say, but I was too high to actually understand her. I started dozing off from the epidural. The nurses started to yell at me to get me to be alert. Then they asked DeeJ to hold my leg while I pushed. After some oxygen from a mask, I started to wake up a bit and I started pushing. First couple of pushes, H's head was out. The nurse says, "The head is out! Push some more for the shoulders! Grunt if you have to!" As I start pushing again, the on call OB made an appearance... In his regular clothes. He says, "What's going on? I was just paged." The nurse tell him that delivery is pretty much done. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "I guess I'm not needed." and walked out. Probably the funniest moment of the day. Eventually he came back in scrubs to make sure everything was ok though. While I was still out of it after delivery, there were some additional complications for H. She had some heart rate issues so they also gave her an oxygen mask for about 30 seconds. I was so relieved and happy to hear her cry. It also took her awhile to get up to an acceptable temperature so I didn't get to hold her right away. Once I did though, My Munchkin was 6 pounds, 6 ounces, and 19 inches of pure perfection.

Overall, everything went really well. From beginning (first contraction) to delivery, I was in labor for a little over 4 hours with only 2 of those hours spent in the hospital. Things went so quickly that I technically wasn't admitted into the hospital yet and DeeJ and I had to do the paperwork after the fact. Things went nothing like I imagined, but quite frankly, I think it was the best example of to expect the unexpected and parenthood in general. And we're in love with our little H. I'm so glad she's here and we hope she loves us as much as we love her.

39 weeks! Welcome to full term TeeJ!

20 weeks!

39 weeks!

How far along:  39 weeks! 7 days to go and hello full term!

Size of baby: Watermelon. Whoa... That sounds scarier than a pumpkin.

What's going on in my belly: No change size and weight compared to last week.There's still some brain development going on in there as well as improvement of reflex skills (ability to flex limbs voluntarily for example). I personally don't agree with the reflexes part; Baby TeeJ has been flexing her arms and shaking her fists at the world since week 20. And I refuse to believe all the random jabs I've gotten in the ribs were involuntary.

Stretch Marks: I'm happy to report I am stretch mark free! I'm truly surprised by that.

Sleep: Pfft... I don't know what sleep is anymore.

Symptoms: Peeing every 30 minutes I'm count as a symptom damn it! Also cramping, which are likely more contractions, and pressure on my pelvis. 

Best Moments of the Week: Thursday was yet another weekly appointment with my OB. Overall uneventful, but a good visit. Baby TeeJ weighed the same (6 pounds and 5 ounces) as she did last week and her heart rate is nice and strong at 140bpm. She was very active during the ultrasound which is always a good thing. Next week for my appointment, I'll be 39 weeks and 5 days so that appointment will be the determinant of what happens next. I'm really hoping that Dr. B. follows through with induction options for November 3rd like she said. Friday was my last day in the office. Woohoo! My leave doesn't start until Baby TeeJ is here, but it's nice to be home and not have to wear maternity pants anymore. They were really uncomfortable. Speaking of work, I was pleasantly surprised by one of the departments I support. My friend K came over to my desk around lunch time with a card which I thought was nice enough. After we hugged and she left, I opened the card and saw all of the signatures from her co-workers... And a Target gift card. Cool! Then, I turned the card over and saw the amount. Nearly $400! Holy smokes! I can't tell you how shocked I was. I was in such shock that my first instinct was to call DeeJ and tell him. Of course I wrote them all thanking them, but wow! It'll definitely come in handy for baby supplies!

Miss Anything: The list is too long.

Cravings/Aversions: I'm craving salty things from what I can tell. Which makes me thirsty. So I drink water. And then I have to pee. It's a fun cycle.

Showing Yet: Yep. I'm so glad to be home because I'm tired of trying to squeeze into my work clothes.

Maternity clothes: I have to admit that I'm impressed that I can still fit the pre-pregnancy shirt in the picture above. Can't say the same about the pants, but hey, it's all about the little victories.

Mood: Still good! I think I'm especially happy because all of my friends are getting pregnant and having babies. I legit have 3 IRL friends that have recently gotten pregnant and it's awesome. I'm so so happy for them and I love seeing good people get their dreams fulfilled. 

What I am Looking Forward to: Next week's appointment of course! Last check-in, I'm 2cm dilated and effaced, but I forgot to ask for the percentage. I'd be curious to see if there is any progress at my next appointment. I know it doesn't mean anything as far as being able to predict labor, but it's still exciting nonetheless.